hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
