so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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