So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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