distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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