Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
