I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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