I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
