K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
