Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
