i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Randomize
