im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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