im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
