____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
He? As in you personified your dick?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
