recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
