Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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