i wish starbucks made bloody marys
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You're like the curious george of whores
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Houston, we have a blender
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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