I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
