I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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