the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
