I feel great
I just peed on a car
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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