Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
