i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Barsexuality is the new black.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Boobs speak an international language.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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