stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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