my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
