so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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