found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
God I need to hump something, right now.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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