i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
