Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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