But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
