I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
