So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
