Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
