Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
