I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
