dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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