Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
