My hand turned me down
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
