weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
