yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
