I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
