I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
