thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
