Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize