How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize