why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
My life is pants optional.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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