Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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