you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
