He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
