It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
