I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
