It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
