Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
