Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
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