Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize