Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
