It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
