i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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